Saturday, September 4, 2010

AT my desk at work there is a photocopy of a picture that was taken when my son and I left Wisconsin to move to Pasadena, CA.  It was a horribly stressful time.  I had no job, no savings, no husband/friend and my son was starting to show signs of autism (although I didn't know it at the time.)

I stayed with my sister and her boyfriend.  They were kind enough to endure us.

One particular day we drove somewhere to eat very good Cuban food, probably Versailles.  I was in the back seat of the car looking at all of the palm trees imagining that they wanted me to stay.  I knew deep inside that the timing was wrong and that I wouldn't be staying in California very long.  That hurt me because I had already gone through so much.  I wasn't sure how much longer I could handle single-motherdom without a job or home, much less move again.

I thought about all of this while my then 3 year old son was sitting next to me in the car seat, getting punchy because he was tired.  I took out his little Cordoroy book and proceeded to read it to him in Homie-the-Clown voice.  He laughed soooooooo hard.  He couldn't stop!  His little laugh was the most infectious thing I've ever heard.  I, of course, couldn't stop laughing either.  Someone turned around and took this picture of me laughing the hardest when my life was at its most uncertain.

So much has happened since then, good and bad.  So much will happen from here on out, good and bad.  I think my ability to allow myself to let go and laugh is one of my strongest weapons against fear, pain and doubt.

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