Monday, October 11, 2010
Nothing Intelligent to Write
When I was in college I had time to think. I was self-absorbed and free. My mind was wide open to all of the data my professors crammed into it. I was always placed in a high intellectual tier, based on standardized tests and grades. I loved learning (and stil do). I could combine all of my studies into a personal unified theory that I would someday put into action. Even if my ideas were a bunch of crap, I thought they made sense, which meant I felt strong and intelligent. They probably weren't new ideas at all, but they were new to me. That feeling was like a drug. Losing it was hell.
It's been, what, almost 20 years since I graduated from college? Good God, if that doesn't make a person feel stupid I don't know what does. I am not a fountain of erudite facts. I am even surprised I used the word "erudite". I cannot quote formulae, or compare schools of thought. Set me next to a young college aged Sarah and I will not win any academic quiz shows. My mind is simply not the same after 20 years.
But the Sarah of the Here and Now is capable of some pretty amazing things. I have traded intelligence for wisdom. I have courage to go toward an enemy instead of running from it thanks to the Army and the Air Force, and motherhood. I can demonstrate absolute love and forgiveness courtesy of motherhood and a failed marriage to a once best friend, divorce, and then friendship again. I am far more patient just from observing people from the last 20 years. And I know humility from helping my mother take care of a dear family friend with Alzheimers and watching my grandmother disappear to dementia. (Cleaning up after anyone with these diseases teaches you that we are all animals who need each other, and at times, nothing more.)
So here am I. No brilliant theories. No beautiful prose. No earth-shattering connections. I've endured many major life-changing experiences without resorting to drugs, alcohol, or self-abusive behaviors. I still love life as much or even more than I did when I was a little girl (and that is a lot, let me tell you.) And believe it or no,t I still think a deep thought from time to time. I just have less time, or maybe a higher priority, than I did when I was "brilliant." Certain people, or choices really, took first place in the running after my smarter days. And it's all good. It's supposed to be this way. The shift is nothing to fear really.
But just in case?... My deep thought? (Shhh it's a secret!)
Everything in the Universe boils down to an expression of frequency.
And there you have it. Probably old news or discounted ages ago. I wouldn't know. I have to clean house.